Zracked!
by SolitaryHowl
Summary: A series of oneshots. Contents fragile. This side up. Not recommended for ages 200 and under due to stupidity. Oh. And small parts too. Rated for drug references and a few swear words here and there. Completed
1. Teapot

**AN: In one of my many reviews, I was complaining about Zant in Twilight Princess since he acted like such a…pothead! XD**

**This oneshot was inspired as I was trying to draw up Zant, and make a cartoon out of it. Since I can't draw-at all- I've decided to make my cartoon drawings into a oneshot! It's a bit wacky, but it's nothing you guys haven't seen before. Just Zant, spinning around like an idiot and making those retarded sounds…XD**

**Cackles Ah, that battle **_**never**_** gets old! XD**

**Disclaimer: I do own Legend of Zelda. Or the teapot song. Yep, I'm sure you guys know where this oneshot's going…O.o**

**There's a couple of extremely hilarious inside jokes here, and I won't mention them at the end either. ;)**

**Zant's POV. Rated for the safety of our CHILDREN! OH, the HORROR! XD**

_**Teapot**_

Ah…the joys of life.

I, Zant, was currently sitting on an extremely small chair. The poor white and pink chair was buckling under my weight. But I didn't care. After all, I wasn't fat…was I?

I was just about to pour some tea to Mr. Snuggles when my chair broke. I sat there, in my throne room, crying my lungs out. I was fat! Oh, the horror!

---FLASHBACK!---

"Now, now dear," my mother started, "Don't cry!" She started to sing in a lullaby, "When life gets you down…just sing the TEAPOT SONG!"

---END FLASHBACK!---

Unfortunately, she died a few weeks later. I think the doctor said something about a drug overdose. Drugs were medication, right?

I sniffed quietly as I remembered my mother's words from so long ago as I started to sing the teapot song. "I'm a little teapot", sniff. "Short and Stout" Sniff. "Here is my handle" Sniff, Sniff. "And here is my spout" I started smiling slighty at this point. I loved this song! "When I get all streamed up, hear me shout. Just tip me over and poor me out!"

I grinned like a little child on Christmas day, starting to start the song over. But this time, I added in the actions.

I stood from my perch on the floor as I sang out joyfully. "I'm a little teapot, Short and stout! Here is my handle," I put one hand on my hip, "Here is my spout!" I put my other arm out straight. "When I get all steamed up, hear my shout!" I started moving my hips back and forth, back and forth. "Just tip me over and pour me out!"

**AN: I've decided to make a series of oneshots. They will all be separate 'stories' I think, but they will all be about Zant acting like a…nevermind. XD**

**I could actually see Zant doing the teapot dance though! I nearly pissed myself laughing. Either I have a weird, sick and demented mind, or this oneshot really is funny…I don't know. All I know is that Zant is abusing drugs. And that is enough for me! XD**

**Read and review!**


	2. Pancakes, Frilly Shoes, and Sunflowers

**AN: Hey! (cricket chirps) This is the second installment of the 'Zrack' series. Heh, Zrack…XD **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda. Nor Duck Tape. Nor Barbie. Nor Britney Spears…O.o**

**Third-Person POV. May offend some viewers. Don't say I didn't warn you!**

**EDIT: I had previously updated the wrong version. Sorry about that, guys!**

_**Pancakes, Frilly Shoes and Sunflowers- Chapter Two  
**_

It was a slightly appealing day in the Twilight Realm. Zant-the Master of the Universe- was currently flipping pancakes while listening (and singing along) to random Britney Spears music that blasted out of his Barbie radio.

Zant sighed sadly when he flipped a pancake over on the pan. He would be so lonely without Mr. Snuggles, his loveable stuffed peacock.

His gaze wondered over to the picture of his mother on a frame near the stove. Ah, he missed his mother! His mother had died after taking an overdose of too much drugs. Zant always assumed that drugs meant medication, as his mother told him.

---

"Now, now, now!" Zant's mother scolded. "Don't you act all civil and try to make a living like your father. Go off and make fun of the other children!"

---

Ah, he had such fond memories.

Zant snapped out of his thoughts just in time to realize that the pancakes were just ready. He usually only ate one pancake, but he couldn't let Mr. Snuggles starve, could he? That would be very rude and mean of him to do to his loveable, cute peacock friend of his!

_Ding Dong! Ding-dong!_

The doorbell rang and Zant excitedly dashed out of the kitchen and to the door. He was currently living in an apartment you see, even though he was King. He liked small spaces.

When Zant opened the door, he was disappointed that a person wasn't there…but a present! Oh goody! Zant always liked presents!

He greedily sat down on the same chair that broke yesterday (he had fixed it with Duck Tape) and read the note that was on the gift.

"To, Zant.

From: Your Secret Admirer"

His eyes went wide and he started jumping up and down while squealing with glee. "I have a secret admirer! I have a secret admirer! I have a-" He stopped suddenly as his attention snapped to the sunflowers that had been wrapped together with an orange bow. He happily skipped over to where he kept his vase and carefully arranged the sunflowers in the vase so they looked like a yellow smiling face.

Happy with this accomplishment, Zant decided to celebrate. Ignoring his uneaten pancake, he merrily picked up Mr. Snuggles and trotted off towards his wardrobe. Oh, how he loved clothes!

Zant giggled as he pulled out the favourite out of all of his clothes! His pink and yellow frilly shoes!

It was like something out of a movie! Whenever he would put those shoes on, he felt like he could be a ballerina and dance the night away!

Something kept on telling him about this green-clad boy that was messing up his plans on making every squirrel _in the universe _to wear sparkling violet dresses, but he had more important things to attend too.

Zant beamed when he found a crumpled ten-dollar bill on the floor and he knew what he wanted to do with it.

"Come on, Mr. Snuggles! Let's go…SHOPPING!"

And so, our loveable and playful mastermind happily skipped down the twilight-infested road, ready to spend his money on pitiful accessories and jewelry.

**  
**

**AN: So…did you love it? Hate it? Do you want to repeatedly stab me with something red hot because I just made fun of your favourite character? **

**I don't own Duck Tape or Britney Spears, obviously.**

**I had to look up common words in an online thesaurus and pick the 'gay sounding ones' to further suit Zant's 'personality' Hah, I like how it's turning out.**

**Review if you want. Flames accepted and expected! O.o**


	3. Quote the Cucco: Nevermore

**AN: Here's part three of the 'Zrack' series! This is from Zant's POV as always. I'm not sure if this is funny or not. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the poem 'Nevermore' by Edgar Allen Poe. Or any of the other things I make fun of here.**

_**Quote the Cucco: 'Nevermore'- Chapter Three  
**_

I stood waiting. Waiting at my chamber door. Er…more like apartment door. I narrowed my eyes slightly; I thought I had heard something.

Shaking the feeling off, I went over to my kitchen to grab Mr. Snuggles, my stuffed peacock.

I shivered slightly. I didn't like this feeling…

I yelped when I heard a knock coming from my chamb- apartment door. I yelled out, "Who's there? Knocking at my…door?"

There was no answer. Holding Mr. Snuggles closer to me, I slowly approached the door.

I heard another knock, this time it was louder. I squeaked in fear and jumped back from the door as if it tried to bite me.

A moment passed by, and I held out my hand to open up my rickety door. In flew a…thing. I couldn't tell what it was.

I recoiled and jumped back, holding up my fists in fright.

There in front of me, was this…bird. I couldn't tell what it was, but it was all…white and fluffy. I squealed a little. I love fluffy things!

Just then, the bird clucked at me and flew up…right onto my tea set.

I screamed when the thing landed on my special teacup, breaking it into little pieces. I held Mr. Snuggles tighter.

The bird-thing screeched in pain as the glass cut into it's flesh. It flew up, up, up on top the molding on my chamber door.

I glared at it. I didn't like it.

I realized just then it was a cucco. It stared at me with its hollow black eyes before clucking, "Never more"

I growled at it and tried to get it off of my molding on my apartment door. It just clucked angrily and flew just beyond my reach.

I stopped my flailing and glared up at the cucco. It looked at me again and squawked, "Never more"

It was making me angry, so I threw Mr. Snuggles at it. The Cucco tore it apart though and I shrunk away from the bird.

It looked at me and seemed to smirk at me, "Nevermore"

----

It's been a few weeks, and the cucco was still sitting on top my apartment door. I was sprawled across the floor, crying my eyes out.

I heard it's clucking voice, "Never more…" It echoed in my head a few times.

"Never more. Never more…. Never….More…."

**AN: I don't think this was as funny or as crazy as the other ones, but I got random inspiration for this one while working on F.F.F. Yes people, that story still lives! Halleluiah! XD**

**Feel free to flame. Review please!**


	4. Attic Vapour

Start Time: October 29, 2007. 5:35PM.

**AN: This was inspired by a 'cure writer's block' site out on the interweb somewhere. It generates random titles, and when it gave me this one…I was stuck with random inspiration! It's a miracle! XD**

**I have a new style! This is more for me than you, but I am going to put up start and end times on each of my chapters! There is a slightly different style of writing in this one too. I like it better. Try to catch it. Also, my longest one yet. Woot. **

**This is third-person. I need to work on it, so sorry if it is crap. -.-**

_**Attic Vapour**_

Zant cringed as he opened up the trap door to his attic in his throne room. He had moved out of his apartment a few months ago to avoid any more killer cuccos and any more weird experiences.

He didn't even know that he had an attic! Wondering what possibly could be hidden up there, the Usuper Twilight King spotted a wooden step stool in the corner of the room and barely picked it up with his scrawny arms.

He trotted back over to the mysterious trap door apparently leading to the attic and started to climb up it. To his up most horror, it broke into 7 pieces on the spot causing him to yelp in fright. Thankfully, he didn't get hurt but he was frightened by his near-death experience.

Zant eyed the chair suspiciously before reaching for a broom and sweeping the sharp remains of the poor step stool out of the way. His servents would hopefully clean it up for him.

He put his hands on his hips and sighed. What a bummer! He wanted to get up there, but he didn't know how!

He gave his room a once-over. Throne Chair? No. A little tree? No. A pot of flowers? No. Wait.

He happily prodded over to the innocent pot of tulips and picked one out of the soil, roots and all. Not noticing the roots still on the plant, he stuck it in between his dull orange hair and peered at the mirror that wasn't mentioned at all in this story until now. He cat-whistled at himself and licked a finger, put it to his chest, and made a sizzling sound with his pearly white teeth and perfectly shaped tongue.

His eyes were caught by a bunch of balloons that were still floating in the air after a month. Wouldn't they be on the ground by now? Shrugging his shoulders, he skipped over to them and his eyes lit up. That's it!

He snatched the balloons from their resting spot and walked underneath the trap door to his attic again. Why wasn't there already a pre-built ladder there? It was one of the great mysteries of Hyrule. Another famous one was, why do random people that are apparently from different demensions appear in Hyrule all the time?

That was a whole different tale, however. We are currently on this epic one.

Zant, the future ruler of band-aids, held up the balloons proudly and announced to the air, "Oh faithful balloon friends! Lift me up into the attic and I shall grant you half of a wish!"

How can you only have half a wish? I don't know, ask him yourself. Geeze, people are so _lazy_ these days.

Zant, who apparently had heard my conversation with a random reader that must have been possessed to read this, grinned and responded. "Easily! Just stop halfway through your wish! The first half will be granted! The second won't!"

Okay. That was scary.

Getting back to the story, the balloons apparently didn't want only half a wish…because they stayed where they were. Zant moaned and angrily stamped his foot on the ground. "Okay! You each will get a wish!"

That made the balloons happy. So happy, in fact, that a pink one grew a mouth a smiled widely. "Thank you, oh kind sir! We will lift you up! Up! Up! Up!"

Zant's eyes lit up, again, and continued with the song. "Fly little birdy! Fly away! You are freee! You are free! We are all freeeee!"

He sang horribly off-key. Just be thankful you guys can't actually _hear_ him.

Dispite the random outburst, he gripped tightly onto the balloon strings. The same balloon from before yelled out, "Hit it guys!"

The Zelda success chime rang out into the still air as Zant finally got his deepest desire fulfilled– to go into the attic that he didn't know existed before today.

Upon entering the dark, damp, musty, and stuffy, and any other cool-sounding synonym you can think of, he winced. It smelled. Bad.

No, really. It smelt like a bucket of apple juice soaked in vinegar, left out in the sun for a few days, puked on, and left to rot in a pile of cow dung.

To put it bluntly, his attic had a common case of 'attic vapour' There was no cure. Unless you wanted to get off your butt and clean it, which no one _wants_ to do anyways.

**AN: Yes. Very random. Very scary. Disturbing. And…uh…help me out here. XD**

**The part about the smell was said by my friend yesterday when my other friend farted (XD) and the 'song' I just made up on the spot. I'm not that insane and messed up to actually say that in public! XD**

**This one is my favourite. What do you think? **

**Tell me in a **_**review**_! **XD**

End Time: Same Date (cause I'm too lazy to copy and paste) at 6:07PM


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